Leadership is a concept that fascinates many of us. What does it take to be a good-or even a great-leader? Let’s start with an image: think of a children’s mobile. When one object on the mobile bounces around, then all the other objects will follow, shifting in response. But if one piece remains still, its calmness can eventually influence the rest. This is a powerful metaphor for leadership.
In our brains, there are actually more pathways from our thinking brain (the frontal lobe) to our anxiety headquarters (the amygdala) than vice versa. This design helps us react quickly to danger or threats-essential for survival. However, it also means calming down takes longer. The human body and mind are remarkable in their complexity, and understanding this interplay can offer insights into leadership.
Despite the many books available on leadership today, many of us struggle to put these concepts into action. In fact only 35% of employees feel inspired by their bosses (Arruda, 2017). It sounds like it might be hard to put what we read into action.
In Bowen family systems theory, the person that emerges as the leader is the one who is willing to do work on themself, rather than blaming others. This reflects their emotional maturity (Bowen & Kerr, p369). Such leaders have more capacity to step outside of the anxiety of the group and stay connected in their relationships which then become calmer and function better. Their presence can reduce overall tension in the group- just like the calm piece on the children’s mobile that helps settle the others.
Navigating leadership in today’s world, especially in family-run businesses involves the ability to adapt and a very delicate balance of interpersonal dynamics. I like the idea that Christian Stewart has about the Chief Learning Officer (2023). This is someone who is part consultant and part coach. They help foster a culture of self-awareness. Generally speaking, this is something we have to work on. It doesn’t come easily to see things from another person’s perspective. Or to wonder what it is like for others to have to deal with ‘me’. This is a question we often ask in systems theory, “what are these people up against” in being your…… employee, colleague, sibling, friend, parent, child and so on.
So much growth can come from developing a greater self-awareness, which may not come naturally. It is a skill you can learn and get better at by noticing how much you are getting in your own way.
Asking ourselves tough questions is part of this growth:
- Am I worrying about things beyond my control?
- Am I taking actions just to keep others happy?
- Can I calm myself when stressed?
- How well do I communicate when I am stressed or bothered?
Reflecting on these questions can reveal how much we get in our own way. For leaders, understanding personal and interpersonal dynamics is critical-especially in family businesses or team settings. The ability to see patterns in behaviour, maintain principles, and set boundaries is key.
In a family or group context, Bowen Family Systems Theory suggests to us that the one who may naturally emerge as a leader in a family business is the one who is aware of both personal and family dynamics and is better equipped to navigate the emotional terrain. They can make objective, thoughtful and purposeful decisions while maintaining balance amidst conflict and the complexities of family and group relationships.
“Taking time and energy to be sure of one’s guiding principles, and be led by them, is probably the least understood by most leaders. It is, however, the part that makes the great difference between high and low-level functioning in leadership.” Gilbert, (2008, p145).
Bowen observed and developed a theory of understanding how humans behave and noticed that a leader is more likely to have the capacity to remain calm and connected to the group during family or business conflicts. That ability to recognise their own personal and family influences on behaviour helped them to notice patterns in how people behaved, and thus able to maintain boundaries where necessary that are driven by their principles. The interesting thing that all those many published books have in common on ‘leadership’ is you! If leadership is about self-awareness, it’s also about curiosity—asking yourself, “What is it like for others to deal with me?” Whether you’re a boss, parent, sibling, or colleague, considering this perspective can lead to profound growth.
You can work on developing the skills and principles that make a difference. If you’d like to explore leadership in your family-run business or workplace, merging consulting and coaching, please get in touch with me.
Together, we can navigate the challenges and opportunities of effective leadership.
References:
Bowen, M. and Kerr, M.E., 2009. Family Evaluation. WW Norton & Company.
Gilbert, R., 2008. The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership. Life.
Christian Stewart (Sept 2023) The Emerging Role of the Chief Learning Officer https://www.familylegacyasia.com/technical_doc/The_emerging_role_of_the_CLO.pdf
William Arruda (Dec 12, 2017) What Employees Really Think About their bosses. https://www.forbes.com/sites/williamarruda/2017/12/12/what-employees-really-think-about-their-boss/#2d929759a1ec
