Change and challenge are part of everyone’s life—they have a way of stretching us, often in ways we don’t anticipate. We’ve all faced moments that test us, but how well are we prepared for them? What can we do when challenges arise? Is there value in the discomfort, and can it be a catalyst for becoming a better version of who we are?
From a Systems Theory perspective, change and challenge are key to understanding how we manage ourselves in the midst of pressure. They offer an opportunity to reflect, adapt, and grow in emotional maturity. Rather than avoiding discomfort, we can choose to engage with it thoughtfully—developing resilience, clarity, and strength in the process.
Change
Let’s look at change—it’s hard to change ourselves, even just a small amount. Yet often, we focus on how others should change and overlook the work we need to do within ourselves. In systems theory, Dr. Murray Bowen explained that the ability to change is closely linked to a person’s level of emotional maturity. Real change takes time and requires intentional personal effort.
There are a few key areas we can work on that build long-term resilience and strengthen our capacity to face life’s inevitable changes and challenges. First, increasing our self-awareness helps us understand how we operate under pressure and recognise our emotional responses, particularly in families or other close systems we live and work in.
Next, self-regulation allows us to manage stress and anxiety while resisting the pull of automatic, reactive behaviors. Alongside this, taking responsibility for ourselves means making thoughtful, deliberate choices instead of being driven by emotional pressure or group dynamics.
Ultimately, emotional maturity is about maintaining our identity and clarity of thinking, even in emotionally intense situations.
When we focus on developing these areas within ourselves, we begin to raise our level of emotional maturity. In doing so, we work towards becoming a better version of ourselves —better equipped to navigate life’s ups and downs with steadiness and strength.
Challenge
When challenges arise, how do we manage them well? Personally, I can get a bit stressed and think unhelpful thoughts and catastrophise at times. I can be less thoughtful than I would like to be and get a bit emotionally reactive instead of responding calmly. My go-to when in these situations is to get busy and start to be over responsible for things and convince myself that I just need to work harder to fix everything. Under pressure, it’s easy to fall into reactive patterns like over-functioning or under-functioning—fighting through it or withdrawing.
I’ve realised that the better way to handle things is to focus on my emotional maturity, awareness, and personal responsibility. I recently found myself overloaded at work and had to step back and notice my pattern of always saying ‘yes’ to others. I began to question what was driving that—was I saying ‘yes’ because I wanted people to like me or think well of me? I had to reassess what was truly my responsibility and what I was taking on unnecessarily, which only added to my stress and led to overwhelm. When I’m overwhelmed, my brain doesn’t function as clearly.
In reflecting on this experience, here are a few insights that helped me navigate through my situation:
- Observing Your Role in the System- Start by noticing patterns in your family or close relationships—when tension rises, reflect on how you typically respond. Do you distance yourself, become overly involved, or try to “fix” others, and what role do you often take on, such as peacemaker, rescuer, or avoider?
- Increase Self-Awareness and Emotional Neutrality- Begin by identifying your own emotional triggers and automatic responses, with the goal of becoming more emotionally neutral and less reactive. Learn to recognise anxiety within yourself without immediately acting on it and aim to reflect rather than react when conflict arises.
- Work on your own Emotional Maturity- This involves staying connected to your family and significant people while maintaining your own thinking and values, learning to express your position calmly even in the face of disagreement, and avoiding the tendency to either cut off or over-accommodate others just to keep the peace—holding your ground without resorting to attack or withdrawal.
- Engage in “Backbone Behaviours” Over Time- Real change happens gradually by consistently engaging in what Bowen Theory calls “backbone behaviours”—managing your own anxiety, taking responsibility for your own functioning, and staying in meaningful contact with important relationships without becoming reactive.
In Bowen Family Systems Theory, real change begins within. Strength in change comes not from trying to fix others, but from becoming more thoughtful, less reactive, and more self-directed in how you relate to those around you—especially during times of stress or transition. By managing your own responses and staying connected without losing your sense of self, you create space for both personal growth and healthier relationships. As you embrace life’s inevitable challenges with greater clarity and emotional maturity, you’ll find that true resilience—and strength—lies in how you choose to grow through change.
