The 1993 film ‘Groundhog Day’ became so iconic that the term ‘Groundhog Day’ entered the English vernacular. The film centers around the main character played superbly by Bill Murray, where he wakes at the same time on the same day, on repeat. The loop repeats and each morning the main character wakes to his alarm at 6am to the song “I Got You Babe”. He tries many things to change the ‘loop’ but, spoiler alert, the only way he can get unstuck from the loop of the same day, is when he learns genuine empathy and master’s some complex skills which win the love interest, he has in the character played by Andie McDowell.
Sometimes I think my life is on a repeat loop. When I have tension in my important relationships, it’s the same pattern of things each time, no matter the issue that comes up. When I am working with couples as a therapist, I tell my clients that couples will have the same argument a thousand times, it’s just about different things. These patterns also exist in an organisation, a team or in a family. Anywhere that a group of people exists…. which is a family system.
The emotional pattern that emerges in any relationship is what I am talking about. It is the pattern that comes up between two people, that can at times include one person seeking out the assurance of a third, or getting a third person to be on their ‘side’. The emotional pattern is like a dance, say a waltz or foxtrot, between two people. One person takes a step, followed by the other person responding with their step…and it goes back and forth. This back and forth is what is known in systems theory as ‘reciprocity.’
Being able to notice the pattern is key to being able to impact it in any way. Pattern recognition is a complex skill that we can learn to develop and get better at over time. We can work at identifying recurring and unconscious behaviours, as well as relational sequences in our family. A sequence is the ‘dance’ mentioned above, where there might be a tension point around a specific topic. How did it start, what happened, who did what, where did it take place, how did you feel or how did the emotions end up, when did it take place? These are the things that we track in a sequence. The ‘who’, the ‘what’, the ‘when’, the ‘where’ and the ‘how’ did it lead to emotions being heightened?
Alongside recognising the patterns in our relationships with others at home or in the workplace, we can also notice the patterns over generations. Across the generations we can spot patterns that have emerged in our family and that have been repeated. Like a ‘Groundhog Day’ experience, when we look at our family tree, or what we call a ‘family diagram’, across three or more generations it can be very enlightening about what patterns or themes have repeated across time and the generations. Different things pop up over time in the generations of a family. It can be any number of themes such as divorce, illness, early in life struggles, workplace issues and the list would go on.
So, if you want to stay ahead of AI, then at your next family gathering or at home this weekend, or in the next work meeting, just observe the pattern of what goes on between the people in the room. Notice who does what, when it mostly happens, where it took place and when during the day. I wonder if you spot any repeat patterns to what you observe and how the emotions end up during the interaction. AI can do a lot of things, but it can’t do this. Being an observer helps us to not only spot the patterns but also notice our own internal reactions to what is happening in the room and the relationships. Pay attention to what happens around you and how you react to it on the inside.
E: veronica@leadershipinmind.com.au
I look forward to any questions you might have about this, drop me a line at
PS: I was recently invited to join Scott Fitzpatrick at SAN on the GAF podcast. I hope you get a chance to listen.
https://scottfitzpatrick.podbean.com/e/episode-53-veronica-peters
