I had the privilege of presenting to a group of accredited advisors of the Family Business Association of Australia earlier this year on Family Dynamics in family run businesses. There were so many interesting stories about the families these advisors work with. Whether your family business is ultra-high net worth or a small to medium-sized enterprise, family dynamics—the way family members interact—just exists. It’s simply part of being human.
Understanding the patterns that emerge in our family, like the sequence of interactions that pops up at every tense moment, is helpful to be aware of as we can then see it as a predictable pattern. It will happen every time a tense moment occurs or an argument in the family happens. These predictable patterns then give us an opportunity to get a little bit better at staying a bit calmer and not engaging in the pattern the way we always used to. I don’t know about you, but I can become my 13-year-old self when things get tense, and that is not very emotionally mature. But on the odd occasion when I can calm myself a little bit, I get to choose how I want to engage in the interaction and end up being a bit more of a calming presence.
Now imagine I work in the family business, and I have to negotiate money, schedules, timelines, salaries, business decisions and a whole bunch of other things with the people that know exactly how to push my buttons – my family? If I can get better at managing myself when I’m under pressure, then I can get better at managing myself in my family. It’s a challenge but it really is a challenge worth working at. When I am being more thoughtful and have slowed my thinking down a bit, I can decide how I want to engage with others, and this helps to progress things in family interactions and decision-making. Family meetings can be helpful for this, but often the key is to observe the interactions first and get the ‘data’ on who does what, when where and how they end up behaving. In Bowen Systems Theory we don’t ask the question ‘why?’ because it relies too much on interpretation which is like mind reading! We are often not very successful at this. Instead, we want to notice the facts – observe things like a fly on the wall would see them.
When we get better at noticing the patterns, we can decide how we want to behave differently instead of being our 13-year-old self. Actually, sometimes I think I behave like my 3-year-old self, especially when I am tired and overwhelmed. My ideal behaviour is based on my principles and values, of the kind of person I want to be in my family, with my friends, in my marriage, as a parent, as a colleague and so on. I can then get better at making decisions, communicating, as well as dealing with conflict and tension in my important relationships.
I’ve been watching the TV show Yellowstone, and I hear Succession has a similar scenario, where there are decisions to be made about the handing down of a company or land and who is the best person to hand things over to. And boy, family dynamics certainly play a role in what I have watched so far! I’m looking forward to the final chapter in Season 5 of Yellowstone coming up in a few months.
To better understand yourself, it’s essential to examine how your family operates. After all, our families are our primary sources of both relationship security and stress, shaping how we interact with others—a process I call our “programming.” Whether or not you’re involved in a family business, understanding your role within the family, like if you’re the eldest child (like me), is crucial. The dynamics are different in every family, and observing what happens during tense interactions can offer valuable insights into how everyone operates. This awareness allows you to consciously choose how to respond, rather than as your 3-year-old or 13-year-old self.