I was reading a book recently for book club. I joke that my book club actually involves a book, not just nibbles and lots of catch-up time with girlfriends. In this book there was mention of the Yiddish word “sitzfleisch,” which is the word for ‘sitting flesh’, meaning you sit with the uncomfortable feelings. The book was by Ronni Kahn titled “A Repurposed Life” and she mentioned the Yiddish word “sitzfleisch” when reflecting on her experience of navigating the board of OzHarvest as she began to grow her charity to help more and more people. These days OzHarvest is Australia’s leading food rescue organisation and began when Ronni Kahn was trying to find ways to not throw out food that would have gone to waste from events she ran in Sydney with her catering business. She began this charity in her early 50’s. What an inspiration for anyone who is wondering what to do with themselves in mid life!
I imagine there is a lot of discomfort when starting something new, or when moving into unchartered territory. I remember there were many moments of discomfort when I left my steady job working for the government and decided that I wanted to do something different. I had nothing else to go to, except that I thought starting my own business would be something I could try. I gave it a good crack and here I am over a decade later, loving my work-life balance, getting to meet new people all the time, doing what I am passionate about and having flexibility in my work week. In the early days I had to learn to sit with the ‘discomfort’ on many occasions, such as generating referrals, or creating my physical office space when it took much longer than I thought it would, or when I had to figure out how to grow the business and keep the integrity of what I wanted to achieve.
Discomfort can show up in many ways, I am reminded also of how I don’t cope well with discomfort in others and I can work hard to make them feel better…. so that I feel better. When I am doing something to make others happy but at my own expense, that doesn’t serve me well and I find that it might only really help me in the short term, but not very often does it serve me in the long term. I also think about how others might do things to make sure I am okay, and don’t like to see me uncomfortable. Mostly this is my children or my husband or other close family members. But this doesn’t help me much really, I usually end up feeling unlistened to or unheard. I might also feel like they don’t want to really know what is going on for me. So I have to work hard at not calming other people’s discomfort, but rather work on noticing my own discomfort and understand what is happening inside of me.
In family systems theory, the idea of growing emotional maturity or ‘differentiation of self’ is about being more responsible for ourselves, and being less responsible for others. I have had to work really hard at this, as I am really good at being a helper. I learnt from the best, as my mother was a helper and I’m pretty sure she learnt it from her mother and her grandmother. And so it has been my programming. As a helper I can do thinking for others, like being a really good problem solver for my husband or children, even my friends. I have to work hard not to do this with clients. Upon reflection I am being ‘helpful’ simply to calm my own discomfort. I want to feel good about myself by being so ‘helpful’. In systems theory this is known as ‘loaning’ thinking and others can find themselves ‘borrowing’ thinking. But it is not a sign of growing emotional maturity. It’s a way of seeking to calm discomfort with a quick fix.
So in order to grow emotional maturity, I need to sit with the discomfort and experience the Yiddish word “sitzfleisch.” What a great word to express a human concept that we can so often avoid. It takes practice to sit with discomfort and realise that the world will still keep spinning and I will survive. It’s just that it can feel uncomfortable and I don’t like it.
If you want to work on growing your emotional maturity then get in touch for leadership coaching or check out some online learning at www.leadershipinmind.com.au or email me on veronica@leadershipinmind.com.au.
Please join me for my upcoming workshop on Emotional Maturity and Work – Thursday 2 November from 12-1.30pm. I will be talking about how to grow your emotional maturity and how it can relate to your personal life as well as what you bring to your workplace. Click here for registration
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References:
Kahn, R & Chapnik Kahn, J, 2021. A Repurposed Life. Murdoch Books