I have recently been wondering about how to be a calmer presence in everyday life. Navigating relationships at home and work can be exhausting and complex. We can often spend a lot of energy calming others down, doing things that are not our responsibility that leads us to being bothered when people aren’t happy with our decisions. Or maybe even trying to please everyone at once. I’m exhausted just thinking about this list of things. How do we maintain calmness and emotional steadiness in the face of pressure and stress?
Reflecting on these experiences, I realise how easily the ‘false self’ can be activated by the emotional pressures that surround us. A ‘false’ self, also known as ‘pseudo’ self is created by emotional pressure and can be modified by emotional pressure. I might relate to others just to keep the relationship going along without any bumps, keeping the harmony. Or be overly agreeable to remain part of the ‘group’ and not really stick to my beliefs or ideas on things, instead I change them to go along with what everyone else is thinking, saying or doing.
On the other hand, ‘true’ self is more about having firmly held convictions and beliefs which are formed slowly and can be changed only from within self. They are never changed by coercion or by persuasion from others. This is also known as ‘solid’ self. I might be operating more from ‘solid’ self when I am being responsible for myself, staying connected with others when things get tense, and am able to say what I want and need regardless of whether I will get it or not. When I am being more of a ‘solid’ self then this is a sign that I am growing more emotional maturity. We all operate from both our ‘false’ self and ‘true’ self, and neither is good or bad. It is just part of being human. Phew!
How I personally want to behave is working on being more of a ‘solid’ self. It means I can work towards more conscious behaviour when I’m under pressure rather than just the automatic way I have always done. Often this is my child version of myself and can be a bit embarrassing when I think about it later on. What does your ‘solid’ self-look like?
Murray Bowen wrote that emotional maturity is:
“Any effort toward assuming responsibility for one’s own distress, toward containing one’s own needs a little better, toward blaming the other less, or toward controlling one’s own emotional responsiveness to the other”
(Bowen, 1978, p.234)
It is not easy, but I think when I make the effort to work at being more of a ‘solid’ self then I feel so much better about myself, much calmer in relating to others, can handle conflict situations better and not get so exhausted by complex relationships or trying to make everyone else happy.
I enjoy this lifelong challenge and that I get to have lots of opportunities to keep working at it.
What steps are you taking towards becoming more real in your life, and what aspects of your ‘true’ self, do you want to focus on developing right now?
References:
Bowen, M., 1993. Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Bowen, M. and Kerr, M.E., 2009. Family evaluation. WW Norton & Company.
Smith, K, 2024. True to You. St Martin’s Essentials